362.1 however....

I am noticing it is really annoying to get a good reading on my scale, I had 3-4 reading ins the 350s and then one in the mid 360s.  I don't give a shit how much it says i weigh, just as long as I can get a consistent measurement.

362.4

Gout is subsiding.  I was just thinking last night that I really don't want to suffer with the immense pain that is Gout for the rest of my life.  I really need to watch what I eat and not have these stupid moments when I eat something that will really fuck up my body.

I'm hoping the scale is right.  I try to stand on the scale in the exact same way every morning.  My feet are too big for it.

Weight loss - 364.2 lbs

However, something I ate yesterday or the day before triggered a Gout attack.  I'm in severe pain, fun shit.

Followed the rules yesterday.

And I'm up to 366.2.  Of course I had my first meal at 5pm and my next at 10:30pm, both were carb heavy meals and I ended up sleeping at midnight.  However:
1) All water (some coffee)
2) No Box
3) No fast food.

I also notice that while I'm at work if I have a carb-heavy meal it is possible that it will trigger a panic attack 1-2 hours after.  Funs hit.

Turning shit around...

At the core of everything is my energy level which is primarily about my health.  My weight is 365.6 lbs, that is way too fucking high.  I'm going to track it everyday for at least a week.  Here is my 1 week goal for weight loss:

1) No fast food.  The definition of fast food?  If it has a drive thru window it is considered fast food. 
2) No box.  What is the box?  The box is an honor box at work which has the equivalent of shit you'd find at 7-11.  The price is $1 per piece of healthiness.
3) Drink only water.  With the exception of coffee (no cream or sugar) and the occasional alcoholic beverage.  If one of my teams buys me a beer at trivia or I have a glass of wine at home I'm not going to torture myself.

That's enough for now.  Let me try this for a week.  We'll see where we are after a week.

I think this is my absolute favorite quote of any movie...

"No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide."  This is my favorite quote because this is what I want to achieve spirtually in my life.  It is the complete opposite of who I am, but it is a goal...

Life is not a crisis.

The sooner this settles in the better I'll be. Everytime I fuck up it is not the end of the world.  Everytime I make a mistake the worst will not happen.  I really don't like this line of thinking....

It can turn a great day into a crappy one with a minor mistake.  I wish I could just separate from myself during periods of anxiety.  When my wife or a friend is going through shit it is so easy to know for a fact and to say: "This isn't that big a deal, we'll get through this, what's the worst that could happen, etc..."  And I more times than not succeed in calming my wife or my friend down.

I can't do this with myself though.  I'll know this as the truth deep down and I still can't calm down.

Sux, I'm working on it though. 

Good weekend... And I need to stop coasting...

All through my life I always turn on the burners when I'm behind.  I chill, I relax, I analyze, I scope, and I wait till things are critical to get shit done.  I haven't done that with work but I've done that with every other aspect of my life. 

I need to push myself to be the person I'm meant to be.  I'm happy with life, but I could be doing so much more.

Need to pull myself out of this spiral.

I've gained some of the weight back and I need to get my exercising back on track.  I'll be working late tonight (surprise surprise) but I am going to definitely make sure to take a 1 mile walk break at some point around 4-5 pm.  And then another one later. 

Here are the things I am absolutely doing today:
1) Walking 2 miles.
2) Working on my personal programming project.
3) Not eating anything from the dreaded box.
4) Cleaning part of my house.

Seriously, I need to get off my ass and make shit happen.

And just a little funny you tube video to get motivated:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7o8FbGCR9U

Balance

I don't know if balance is something I should be striving to achieve or not achieve.  I need to find a balance with my physical, mental and emotional stimulation.  That balance I need.  But do I need work/family/play balance?  I'm spending a ton of time at work and I hate it.  I'm making good money, my co-workers are awesome, my job is fairly interesting, the people I am working for (I am a contractor) are all smart and good individuals but I am not happy.  Is this what work is?  You do something you aren't thrilled with to make good money?  Is this what being an adult is?  I know this is what being an adult is to a lot of people...

I find enjoyment in my trivia work, I find enjoyment in programming my own projects and I find some enjoyment in poker. If I could do these three things for a decent career I could spend more time with my family because I'd be knocking out work/play in the same activities. 

I ditched work today (Sunday).  I am burned out, tired all the day, depressed, a bit anxious but more indifferent than anything else.  And currently awake at 2:30 am because I slept for 5-6 hours during the day.

Dunno Dunno Dunno

Can't get full....

At work, they had a luncheon meeting, tons of sandwhiches, cookies, sodas, etc.  And I am eating and eating and eating.  I'm satisfied but not full.  So I keep looking for that full feeling which I should not be trying to achieve.

I should be looking for that not hungry feeling, not that full feeling.  I wish I could program my body the way I can program a computer.  At least I'm aware now and can make better decisions for the day.

Burned out....

Running at around 50%.  Too much work this weekend and the last 9 days.  My co-worker is back so I feel a little better with someone to help me with a lot of the details.

I want to work a lot on my personal projects tonight.

Don't snack, don't snack, don't snack.  Seriously the snack box is absolute evil to someone who is trying to drop poundage. 

Back at work.

Had a good time with Katherine, it lifted my spirits.  Regaining a bit of my focus but I still have so many projects I want to work on that I just do not have time for at the moment.  These projects, not in any particular order:

1) Clean the house - Love my mutt but his fur is EVERYWHERE, even afer I vacuum.
2) RT - Top secret project!  Can't post it on the interwebs! This baby is my dream that I've always wanted to create.  I'm about 5-10% through the front end coding and a bit of the back end of it.
3) PHT board game - Have the Excel spreadsheet for the cards, need to fill in the blanks.
4) PHT trivia question input and scoring tracker - 35% done.  Have a good bit of the front end and a tad bit of the database interaction.
5) Multi-table Sng Utility - This fucker is literally 95% done.  By 95% done I mean it works beautifully and I've used it a ton.  I need to set up the web site and utilities for selling it. 

Ok time to stop dreaming and get back to work, will work on some of this shit tonight.  Whenever I get back from work, I assume I have another 10-12 hours of work before I can come home.  Then next 36 hours are going to suck.

So I'm feeling crappy, working this weekend still healing from my foot/ankle/knee and am somewhat drained and Katherine and I get into a fight.  I realize that I want to smoke, and think oh I'll just have one cigarette.  Then I think that is exactly how I start smoking again.  Then I think about how I'll clean the house and another million positive things and none of those ring a bell, then I realize.  I'm not happy, at all.

And it has nothing to do with Katherine, it just has to do with everything.  And I realize I need a psychiatrist, or a counselor, or some medication or something.  It's this spiral that's not happy.  It's my way of thinking that's not happy, it's my life-work balance that is leading to me not to be happy.  It's my weight, my health, my fears, my everything, my lack of energy that is causing me to not be happy.

There are a million factors, and I can't figure out any of them, which one or combination is the trigger.  Or maybe nothing, maybe it's a chemical imbalance.  I'm not driven in any area of my life, and it's not because I'm lazy it's because I'm exhausted and sad, and often think that so and so I work on will either not be worth working on or I will fail at it.  Or I get distracted....

Why can't I focus?   Am i absent-minded?  Am I ADD?  Am I depressed?  or am I just human?

Definitely need someone to talk to figure this shit out.

It's been a while. Way too long.

Way too much has happened and I'm going through a ton of shit, I'll give a bullet by bullet point here then I need to re-focus on my work.

• Knee filled with fluid and had to get drained.  This knocked me out of work for a couple days.
• Ankle and then foot got fucked up and I had to take another day off work.
• Found out everything is related to Gout.
• Dropped 10-15 lbs from depression, now my stomach feels smaller but I need to continue eating less like I was.
• Work kicked me in the nuts - Deadline got moved up 4 days 1 week before the deadline.  That is absolute bullshit.
• Stan's killer got 8 years out of a max of 10 possible.  I finally felt I got closure on everything.  I don't see Stan's killer as evil, just a cocky alcoholic who has lived way too priviledged a life.

Done bitching, I want to be out of here in an hour and I got some shit to do.

In a shit load of weird pain.

I'm not in pain, rather my knee is tense as shit, has limited mobility and occasionally spikes in pain when I go the wrong way.  Need to get through it.  I'm starting my goals even with this agony.  I can do the mental ones at least.  Mom called me up worried about me, it felt good to hear from her.

I hope one day she realizes that the reason I argue with her so much is that I care so much about her.  Maybe I should stop being a douche of  a son and stop yelling!  Nahh, too much of my mom in me to stop yelling and arguing all at once.. :)

Suggested by Carson

This is all part of my New Year's Resolutions to improve myself.   I have a bunch of NYE resolutions that I will post here to keep me on track and to keep me held accountable by the general public.  My goal is to publish in here daily:  I'd like to do it twice, once at the beginning of the day at once at the end of the day.

I'm pissed that  I didn't get much work done over the NYE holiday because I was sick.  I've quit smoking, I'm coughing up a ton of shit, throw that on top of getting sick from my sister's nephews as well as my gout flaring up and you have a miserable NYE in which I just chilled at home and rested.

I can't let this get to me, I need to be positive and determined tomorrow.

Thanks Carson, I feel a little bit better venting already.