362.1 however....

I am noticing it is really annoying to get a good reading on my scale, I had 3-4 reading ins the 350s and then one in the mid 360s.  I don't give a shit how much it says i weigh, just as long as I can get a consistent measurement.

362.4

Gout is subsiding.  I was just thinking last night that I really don't want to suffer with the immense pain that is Gout for the rest of my life.  I really need to watch what I eat and not have these stupid moments when I eat something that will really fuck up my body.

I'm hoping the scale is right.  I try to stand on the scale in the exact same way every morning.  My feet are too big for it.

Weight loss - 364.2 lbs

However, something I ate yesterday or the day before triggered a Gout attack.  I'm in severe pain, fun shit.

Followed the rules yesterday.

And I'm up to 366.2.  Of course I had my first meal at 5pm and my next at 10:30pm, both were carb heavy meals and I ended up sleeping at midnight.  However:
1) All water (some coffee)
2) No Box
3) No fast food.

I also notice that while I'm at work if I have a carb-heavy meal it is possible that it will trigger a panic attack 1-2 hours after.  Funs hit.

Turning shit around...

At the core of everything is my energy level which is primarily about my health.  My weight is 365.6 lbs, that is way too fucking high.  I'm going to track it everyday for at least a week.  Here is my 1 week goal for weight loss:

1) No fast food.  The definition of fast food?  If it has a drive thru window it is considered fast food. 
2) No box.  What is the box?  The box is an honor box at work which has the equivalent of shit you'd find at 7-11.  The price is $1 per piece of healthiness.
3) Drink only water.  With the exception of coffee (no cream or sugar) and the occasional alcoholic beverage.  If one of my teams buys me a beer at trivia or I have a glass of wine at home I'm not going to torture myself.

That's enough for now.  Let me try this for a week.  We'll see where we are after a week.

I think this is my absolute favorite quote of any movie...

"No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide."  This is my favorite quote because this is what I want to achieve spirtually in my life.  It is the complete opposite of who I am, but it is a goal...

Life is not a crisis.

The sooner this settles in the better I'll be. Everytime I fuck up it is not the end of the world.  Everytime I make a mistake the worst will not happen.  I really don't like this line of thinking....

It can turn a great day into a crappy one with a minor mistake.  I wish I could just separate from myself during periods of anxiety.  When my wife or a friend is going through shit it is so easy to know for a fact and to say: "This isn't that big a deal, we'll get through this, what's the worst that could happen, etc..."  And I more times than not succeed in calming my wife or my friend down.

I can't do this with myself though.  I'll know this as the truth deep down and I still can't calm down.

Sux, I'm working on it though.